Dear KING, I met this guy back in March of 2015 while I was in college. We started off as friends and got to know one another by just hanging out. We really hit it off and he soon asked me to be his girlfriend; so we started dating and things moved fast but we were both aware of what we were getting ourselves into. Before we really got serious in the relationship, I told him I would be leaving at the end of April to go home for the summer. We talked about it and he told me it wouldn't be easy during the summer because I would be away and he would be busy with his career, as graphic designer for different artist. I understood but I didn't think it would get this bad. The first month or so was good--we would still text, talk on the phone and stuff but that changed in June. He was really busy with his job and barely talked and soon he started to act different. It's like he was feeling himself or something. Things got even worse, we wouldn't talk for days and his excuse was I'm not ignoring, I'm just busy and when you call and text, I can't immediately respond. I started to feel like he was cheating and saw him and a girl on his Instagram. He said she didn't matter and I shouldn't worry, but a couple weeks after that he broke up with me and stated he was too busy for me and I was annoying. So of course, I assumed it was someone else and he tried to reassure me, it wasn't anyone else but I don't believe that. After about a week of not talking after the break-up , I messaged him and asked was he really done with me or was the break-up temporary and he just needed some space? He responded and said I love you and he would call me later. So now it been weeks since then and we talk but not much and I'm so confused about what I should do. Should I stick around till I go back to school which is in like a week or so and see if we can really work things or should I walk away from him and just move on?
Sincerely, Stuck in love
Dear Stuck in Love,
Thank you so much for writing me! It's so crazy how women relate to each other in many ways because I too was in a similar situation--like almost identical.
I want you to repeat this to yourself out loud until you actually start believing it: "NO ONE is ever TOO busy!! People make time for what they WANT!"
If someone told your boyfriend they would give him a million dollars per day if he called a certain hotline number every day, I am PRETTY SURE he would call that hotline FAITHFULLY!!! Why??? Because he WANTS that million dollars. Getting and keeping that money is a PRIORITY to him. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your ex-boyfriend is full of crap and the reason why he was "too busy" was because he was clearly too busy with someone else! He wasn't feeling himself, he was feeling someone else--and it wasn't you! It takes 5 seconds literally to send a text message. It takes more than 5 seconds to pose for a picture with another woman, go on Instagram, choose a filter & post it. Do you get the point I'm trying to make? Tell him I said, "Bye Felicia!!"
Now I want you to say this to yourself out loud until you actually start believing it: "I MATTER!!!"
I'm making you say this because you really do matter, Queen. Too often, us women begin to put our boyfriends, boos, & men on these excessively high pedestals that make us neglect ourselves and settle for the "okie doke"!
How is it that he was able to find time to call and text for the entire month of June, but in July he "suddenly" goes DAYS without saying anything to you? And "coincidentally" in July you see him on social media with another woman and then breaks up with you a few weeks later? Sis, please don't settle for the okie doke and be dumb Dora believing his lies!
Last time I checked, long distance relationships DEPEND on communication and you BOTH knew what you were getting yourselves into. You weren't being annoying for wanting to communicate to your boyfriend! I can see if you were calling/texting every hour to talk to him after he told you his work hours--then yes, you would be annoying and not understanding. But based on your letter to me, your expectations sounded realistic for being his girlfriend, and you were willing to be understanding and of his schedule.
Please take this man off this pedestal. It's millions of men in the world who have higher demanding jobs than him and still make time to check on their girlfriends, wife, children and/or parents. He is not king of the world, so don't make excuses for him! I would be more understanding toward him & his work if his ACTIONS showed he was genuinely trying to make an effort with you. But he wasn't--he was out with another woman, probably women, and purposely curving you because all of a sudden you became "annoying".
I'm not going to tell you what you should do because it's your life and you have to be happy with it. But I will say this, how you handle this situation will certainly affect how he views you.
Keep contacting him and waiting around shows him, "Hey!! I'm sincerely desperate--hence why I reached out to you so soon after you broke up with me over bullcrap. You can go days without talking to me in a relationship, break up with me and tell me I'm annoying, and I WILL STILL BE RIGHT HERE because I lack respect and regard for myself. I can't find anyone better than you that's why I will forever put up with your bullcrap because I'm Sincerely DESPERATE. You can walk over me as many times you want and I'll be right here just like a doormat!" :-)
Not contacting him, playing it cool and moving forward with your life shows him, "Hey!! It's unfortunate we broke up, but guess what buddy? My life still goes on with out you. I will not force myself into your life after you removed me from it. I'm confident in knowing what I can bring to table and if you find it annoying, move around because someone else will find it amazing! I am a Queen and I deserved to be pursued. As a lady, understand that respect and genuine effort is the STANDARD, and I will not degrade myself by lowering them for you."
I'm speaking from experience because I've done both of these things. When I decided to stick around and get back with my ex, he eventually did the same thing again. It became an unhealthy cycle. He didn't start respecting me until I respected myself enough to not tolerate his bullcrap and walk away. But by then it was too late. I saw that there was better out there so I kept that door close.
Nobody is perfect and every relationship will have its ups and downs. But please take note on his actions and how he's handling everything. Picking a relationship is picking a set of problems. Reflect on if this is what you really want/deserve and if He is God's best for you. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and discernment, and don't act until you hear from The Lord. You are a Queen and deserved to be pursued, courted, and respected by a KING.
Best wishes Queen,
Miss T.N. King
Need advice? Want my opinion on a situation? Fill out the Contact form on the "Contact" page. All letters will be kept anonymous. If you don't want your anonymous letter publicly posted, please express that in the letter, and I will honor your wish.
Disclaimer: The views expressed on this post are mine alone. I am not a licensed professional, and any advice I give is purely my experienced opinion.