Hey Miss T.N. King! I really need your advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I have a child with him and 2 children from a previous relationship. Me and my boyfriend were so happy a few years back. We talked all the time, always had dates, had sex all the time, he provided for the house and my children and I worked also. I really thought everything was great up until he got locked up for one month about 2 years ago and when he came home I found out he had gotten a girl pregnant with his first daughter. I was devastated! I would cry everyday feeling so unworthy, asking myself what am I doing wrong. And the other woman was a hood rat at that! I broke up with him for about 3 months and decided to forgive him. Then I got pregnant with our son and he got locked up again. He continued making promises about how everything would be different but when he came home he was still the same. Staying out late, not spending a lot of time at home with me or OUR family, choosing his friends over his family, hanging with his baby mother because his friends hung over there (trap house) and he KNEW I was uncomfortable with it. FAST FORWARD He's locked up AGAIN for 5 years and I love him but were constantly arguing because he doesn't trust me! (Isn't that crazy?) We also argue a lot because I bring up the past BS he's put me through. I love him and its been a year and a half that he's been in prison. I feel like I'm wasting my time waiting around for him! What if he doesn't change? I'm tired of this "bar talk" (promises inmates tell females). Should I break it off or stay? He's 4 years younger than me (I'm 26 and he's 22) and hopefully prison will allow him to grow up but I need a MAN not a little ass boy!
Stay or Go
Dear Stay or Go,
Gurl, please do not take anything the wrong way for what I am about to say; its coming from a place of love. Woman to woman, I want to see you succeed, live in your Queendom, be all that God has called you to be, and get what you deserve!! This boy you've been laying with these past few years is NOT what you deserve.
How many times does this man have to repeating the SAME low down actions until you actually start believing THIS IS WHO IS HE AND WHAT HE WANTS? He KEEPS going to prison. He KEEPS playing around. He KEEPS lying to you about how things will be different. And guess what? You KEEP taking him back.
Repeat this to yourself until you believe it: INSANITY is doing the SAME things over and over while expecting DIFFERENT results.
Right now, you're insane for even considering to stay. He is insane--point blank period--because he keeps choosing to live his life in an unhealthy cycle.
"But I loooveeee him!" "He's the father to my children!!!"--Tune out this little foolish voice in you. Your love has turned into desperation. What good of a father can he be to his sons when he can't even raise them because he's too busy going back jail!? A boy CAN NOT raise a boy--only a MAN can. Stop having man expectations from a boy.
My question to you is: Why do you keep putting yourself in this situation? Why do you keep sleeping with and creating babies with a grown boy who can't even manage to steer his life in a positive direction? Why are you holding on to this ounce of hope that he will change when he has constantly showed you these past years that he is NOT going to change and is NOT God's BEST for you?
If you put your life on hold for 5 years to wait for a man that has continually disrespected, lied, cheated, and hurt you over and over again--you're a FOOL! I'm seriously not trying to come off harsh or rude, but I have to keep it real with you. There's no other word to call it. A fool is a fool. And a fool is NOT what God called you to be!
I know you're emotional mess at this time because what you thought was you're fairytale has become a nightmare. The beauty of the Lord is that He can use your pain to PROGRESS you and turn your hurt into HAPPINESS. First you must surrender to Him--all of this "holding him down", "waiting for him till he gets out", "ride or die" foolishness must CEASE!
Accept that the relationship has expired and it's time for you to move on. Enough of the "what if he changes" talk. He's been to prison numerous times, and EVERY TIME he comes out he's still the same or worse!
"Who is going to want me and I have kids?" "There's no good men out there!"--tune out this little foolish voice in you too! You have to start pouring love, value, peace, and standards into yourself because this relationship has drained everything out of you. Truth is despite everything you've been through, you're worth loving. You still have value. God can give you a peace of mind in the midst of your storm. You can uphold Queen-like standards and a real King will actually meet them. (Yes! No more settling for the okie doke!)
My advice to you is to do something that you've never done before: break this unhealthy cycle you call a relationship, take a leap of faith by moving forward in your life, lean on God as your source of strength, and NEVER EVER EVER look back. You deserve so much more Queen, but you'll never get treasure if you keep holding on to trash.
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Disclaimer: The views expressed on this post are mine alone. I am not a licensed professional, and any advice I give is purely my experienced opinion.