I felt like the dumbest girl in the world. The Universe presented me with a good man who pursued me endlessly (I will reference him as “Sean”). Sean consistently courted me with respect and set marital intentions. He was intelligent, attractive, successful and caring. What differentiated him from some of the other guys I had been seeing was his level of commitment and certainty about me. He told me from the beginning that he was going to marry me. And to top it off, he would walk the walk when he talked the talk. Sean was good “on paper” and he treated me well. Logically, it made sense to be with him. However, deep down, I felt like something was missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I would beat myself up and think there’s something wrong with me. Why do I not feel connected to him? How can he be so sure about me and I remain uneasy?
I was shattered. Our relationship lacked passion, excitement, and inspiration. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had “just sex”. There was no divine connection, attachment or bond. The thought of being with him long term brought so much anxiety.
With disappointment in my heart, I thought: is this what the love hype is all about? I tried to fall in love with this man in the way he was in love with me. Believe me, I wanted to be so head over heels and passionate about him. I was longing for our souls to connect. I stayed wishing and hoping that one day my soul would awaken to his love, but as time went on, nothing changed. I remember consistently praying for passion and an unbreakable bond with him; and all I was left with was un-manifested prayers, empty sex, and no peace.
Then to top it off, I was even more confused and frustrated because I know how to hear God’s voice. I heard him when He told me I would move to NYC years before I had a job offer and connection. He’s told me about specific jobs I would get (and eventually got), my calling, my apartment, and other opportunities that have manifested. How was I able to have divine confirmation regarding simple life things and I could not hear God telling me this man was THEE man - my king!?
I recall one specific day where I re-read my diary and I came across my answer. When I met Sean, I was broken and in the process of trying to recover from the sadness and disappointment I experienced with someone else. He spoke to my open wounds and filled this void of wanting to be wanted. I thought he would make my old feelings for the other guy go away. I was desperate to be accepted, loved and desired—my self-image was tarnished. I'm no stranger to men feeding me excuses that I jumped at the next thing that was willing to give me something. Even if that next thing wasn't the best thing God intended for me, I found comfort in at least having something.
We live in an age where society tells us there is a limited supply of good men. And to top it off, if you’re an educated black woman like me, then your pickings are supposedly even slimmer. We’re told that once you reach a certain age, you should be prepared to start settling and get with the first good man you meet because it’s not guaranteed you’ll meet another one.
As a result, I silenced my intuition, ignored the uneasiness in my heart, and remained involved with Sean. I developed this scarcity mindset and Sean became my safety net. I knew without a doubt he would marry me, be faithful, a great provider, friend, etc. I was scared to walk away because I thought I would never meet anyone better. And even when I did entertain the thought of cutting things off, I told myself I would be punished and receive bad karma for hurting his feelings.
I had to learn that God does not co-sign any relationship that is purely joined and kept together by fear. If you are with someone out of desperation or fear that you will never find anyone else, then that person isn't the one. God is the producer and creator of faith. The relationship you're in should increase your faith not your fear.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18.
Plain and simple: True love casts out fear.
You may be wondering, “How do I know if God is co-signing my relationship?” One way to know is Peace.
Peace is a gift from God that comes when there’s no clouds or distractions between us and Him. When you are in true alignment and in tune with the higher power, you will feel peace—even when the situation doesn’t make 100% logical sense and you don’t have all of the details sorted out.
This post is for the woman who has grown desperate and tired that she’s tempted to settle for ‘Safe Sean’. My girl Sarah Jakes said “Dont Settle for Safe”. I want to add: Don’t settle for FAKE. Don’t settle for fake love, fake chemistry, fake orgasms, fake commitment, fake interests, fake fun, fake intentions or fake anything.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you’d know that I’m no stranger to half-ass relationships. And after becoming immune to being passed up, looked over, and put on the back burner I saw myself as not good enough and worthy. I thought I had to settle. I told myself it was unrealistic to be in a committed relationship with a man who I passionate about and met my high standards because in the past the men who I was very passionate about and met my high standards did not see me worthy enough of a commitment.
Queen, what does your self-talk sound like? Is it filled with lies, negativity and limited beliefs? Your thoughts turn in to things. You can only manifest what you think. If you believe you’re unworthy of attracting a great man who meets your standards and shares great chemistry with you, then I can guarantee you that you’ll never attract one.
It’s time that we fill our heads with truth. Truth is, there is an abundance of incredibly great men in this world. You don’t have to settle for mediocre or be on somebody else’s man because there's enough for you to have your own. Sis, you are deserving and worthy of a passionate, healthy and committed relationship from someone who adores you. I can’t encourage you enough to continue to trust God and start believing that He will send you someone incredibly amazing.
I remember when I would go back and forth on cutting things off, I heard the spirit tell me: Have I ever failed you? Do you not trust me? I’ve blessed you beyond measures and have exceeded your expectations countless times in the past. Why would I fail you now? I’ve had you then and I still have you now. I’m the same God who’s manifested your dreams into a reality. I’ve placed you in rooms you never had a key to and qualified you for experiences you never had. Why would you not trust me with your love life?
Queen, it is better to be alone and aligned than dating and distracted. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him and to those who seek Him.
Understand that every good man isn’t THEE man for you. I often wonder have we’ve become so acclimated to below average treatment that we get too excited when a man starts doing the basic things? Communication, effort, honesty and respect should be the standard, not a “wow“ factor. Some people enter our lives to simply teach us lessons; and once those lessons have been learned, the relationship may dissolve.
Eventually I gained the courage to end things with Sean. I remember telling God, More than anything, I want your best. I desire to be in complete alignment with you even if it means I must release the desires of my heart to pursue you wholeheartedly. If forfeiting the desires of my heart will put me in alignment to your will, then I will do it. I won’t settle for safe and the things I can only see. Instead, I chose to walk by faith and believe that inner voice you’ve given me will lead me to truth.
Eventually (and to my surprise) I got into a committed relationship with not a good man—but a GREAT man. Our relationship is filled with so much passion, joy, fun, intention, and commitment. My man is absolutely amazing and encompasses everything I want in a life partner. I have complete peace and clarity.
Queens, let this story be a friendly reminder that you don’t have to settle. God gave you the gift of intuition to help you discern who and what’s right. Please don’t ignore it.
I believe that right when you’re close to receiving something real, you will encounter a counterfeit—a fraudulent imitation of a person or thing. And in those moments of where your patience has been exhausted and doubt starts to kick in, you will ultimately have to decide if you will settle with what’s in front of you or will you continue to wait on the Lord to manifest His promise.
When you make a conscious decision to decline people and things that don’t speak to your authentic soul, you send a powerful signal in the universe that you’re only willing to accept what’s real, genuine and divine. The Universe and your life is only reflecting and giving you exactly what you put out with your words, thoughts and actions.
Some of you may not be attracting the man of your dreams because you’re still entertaining the man of your comfort zone. If you want to receive something, you must ask, believe and act as if you have already received that person or thing.
Think about it: if the man of your dreams appeared right now in your life, would you still be texting that person, going on pity dates, settling for the guy who gives your heart anxiety, or speaking negatively about the lack of quality men? The answer is NO.
“Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).
Evidence is proof—you can see it. Therefore, you should be able to see your faith. Your actions, attitude and words should be proof that God has already answered your prayer and it’s only a matter of time until it appears in the physical realm.
If I had to do it all over again, I would still leave a good man to gain God’s best. My prayer is that you do the same. You’re worthy, Queen.