"Sometimes in life, your situation will keep repeating itself until you've learned your lesson."
I remember feeling shocked and disappointed as I was reading my diary entries from more than a year ago. Here I was still dealing with the same mess--situationships. More specifically, I kept falling for men who were emotionally unavailable to me. One minute we would be super close then, the next minute they were "too busy" (cycle repeats). I found myself on the same emotional roller coaster, going back and forth between telling myself "we're just friends" to wondering "what are we?". I think one of the main reasons why good quality Queens foolishly remain in situationships is the idea of "what if". What if he changes, what if my patience pays off, what if one day he realizes, and so forth. You believe that your patience and faith in somebody will eventually cause them or the situation to change.
If you want to break your situationship curse, you must stop looking for change in others and start requiring change from YOURSELF! No matter how patient and faithful you are, you cannot change a man. You can't change his character, intentions, actions, timelines or anything for that matter. The only thing you can change is yourself. Change begins with you. And once you're awaken to the amount of power you have over yourself, you'll stop giving it to other people.
For so long I would ponder the idea of being "too much" for a guy. I thought I had too much passion, too much drive, too much personality, too many dreams, too high standards. I could go on and on. I had to learn that how a man treats you is a direct reflection of how he feels about himself. I didn't realize that their lack of efforts and appreciation for me wasn't because I wasn't good enough. But in fact, it was a reflection of them feeling like they weren't good enough for me. They weren't ready enough. They weren't mature enough. They weren't man enough to handle a real woman. No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn't ready--even if you think he is amazing and perfect as is. None of that matters, it's all about how he views himself. If he doesn't see himself as a mature, confident and secure King then pursuing and keeping a Queen will not be on his radar. He's going to be too busy trying to make himself feel good internally. So instead of waiting around and hoping that he will wake up to your awesomeness, make a conscious choice to surround yourself with people that are already whole within themselves and want your presence. Remember: Coco Chanel is not losing sleep over the fact that people still buy bags from Walmart. So if he wants to spend his time entertaining dingbat Dana, hillbilly Becky, and "for now" Felicia, let him.
Once you've accepted that you cannot change a person, you must clear your heart of any anger and bitterness that you may have toward them. Forgiveness is the key to attaining personal freedom; it is essential to the healing of our souls. For every minute we harbor anger, bitterness and resentment, we prevent this beautiful Universe from giving us the greatest gift: love.
I love this picture above because it really hits home to my personal experiences. I'm very passionate and loyal, so letting go is not always easy for me. I always see the good, brighter side and potential. I believe in sticking it out through thick and thin and that love will eventually conquer all. As a result, I hold on to many things--even people that I need to release. Queen, is the reason you haven't received what you've been praying for because your hands are too full holding on to other things/people that you need to release? For me, I had to let go of the hurt that I was harboring in my heart. I had to release the power that I let people hold over me. And most importantly, I had to release the situationships--non-platonic relationships that lacked respect, intentions, and/or clarity.
In my "An Open Letter to the Guy I Wanted" blog post, I discussed how you have two choices in life: you can force your seed in a garden of weeds or plant your seed in a garden of love. Queens, choosing love was one of the greatest decisions I could've ever made in 2016. I'm not just talking about a romantic love; I am emphasizing self-love. True love grows from within you. It's about honoring your mind, body, and soul. It's about knowing you are more precious than rubies. It's about abandoning any anger, bitterness, resentment and fears within your heart; for hate and love can not abide in the same place. It's about letting love radiate throughout your mind and manifest in your actions toward others. Breaking your situationship curse begins with self-love.
Once you've unlocked the love within yourself, you have to love yourself enough to not allow yourself to repeat the same mistake. Walking away from a situationship isn't enough. You have to make sure you don't fall victim to the same thing (Believe me, you will get tested again). My realization was that I must stop entertaining men who weren't ready. In order for a successful relationship to blossom, both people must be ready--keyword: both. I made a vow to myself to not entertain any man who doesn't feel secure, confident and ready within himself to build a relationship with someone. Note: ladies, he must feel that within himself. It doesn't matter what you think about him because experience has taught me that you can think a man is perfect, accomplished, and amazing as is but that won't mean a damn thing to him if he doesn't feel that way about himself!
"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons, you must leave because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen out here in this wide and wild universe. And most importantly, there is love that will be ready." -Unknown
I remember listening to a wise man give relationship advice to two young ladies. He said, "Get a man that is ready and willing to give. If he is not ready and willing to give, do not waste your time." After knowing what it's like having the opposite, I agree with him 1000%. Queens, get yourself a man that is truly about you. Get yourself a man that's not afraid to show how much he cares for you and makes you feel like you're the only girl in the world. Get yourself a man who is not about playing games or cat/mouse. He knows how to be direct, state his intentions, and most importantly back up his actions with his words. Get yourself a man who is ready to give his time, energy and effort in treating you like the Queen you are.
I remember the day I reached my breaking point. I was ready to love me more than I loved him. At that time, there was nobody else in the picture that was comparable or better than him. But I didn't even care because I knew that as long as I had me, I had love. Knowing that little fact was enough for me to keep moving forward. When I moved forward, I made a conscious choice to not act super guarded, defensive and bitter (a natural human reaction). Only hurt people hurt people and I wanted to be the opposite. I made it a point to show more love and kindness to people. I meditated frequently and woke up with the intention of exuding a loving, positive and peaceful energy every day. In life you don't attract what you want--you attract what you are. So if you want to attract peace, love and positivity, you must be those things.
About three weeks later, the Universe introduced me to a King.
This man unexpectedly came into my world and changed it in the most dynamic and beautiful way to say the least. He validated what I already knew: I've always been enough and I am worth everything.
Ladies, there's no greater feeling than wanting someone who wants you just as much (if not more). There's no greater feeling than knowing he chose you without chasing him. There's no greater feeling than being involved with someone where confusion doesn't exist and commitment isn't a foreign concept. You both are upfront, direct and intentional about building together. And if the Universe is kind enough to bring someone like that your way, you hold onto them, work with them, and cherish them. Love doesn't happen by chance; it happens by choice. You must choose to be love and give love if you want love to manifest in your life.
Queens you never ever have to settle for anything less than you deserve. I challenge you in 2017 to create the life that you desire and walk away from any person, situation or thing that's holding you back. Situationships never have been a desire of mine, yet I used to stay in them, jumping from one gray area to another. As I stated earlier, change begins with you. Only you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy, then put your heart up to a mirror and examine what's reflecting from it. Stop waiting around for a person or thing to give you happiness. It is your responsibility to create it!