In my opinion, love is the greatest gift a person can give and receive. People spend a lifetime seeking, chasing, crying, and fighting for love. But what happens when that sweet love turns sour? Your sunny skies turn gray, and the one person you loved the most has given you the biggest heartache. I want to discuss how to let go of toxic relationships and gain the strength to move forward. Since I've published "The 'New' Side Chick: I was Her", a lot of men and women have contacted me sharing their similar experiences and have asked me how to move on from someone you love. I too have faced the same challenge, and through the grace of God, I've made it. Growing up, I've always vowed to never give my heart away. I liked, but wouldn't dare to love. However, all of that changed once I got to college. I met my then Prince Charming my first semester, fell deeply in love, and threw out all of my "player's cards".
When I found him, I lost me. He was the center of my world. I was one of those women who "took care" of their man--I did everything for him. I treated him like he was my husband; after all I JUST KNEW we were going to get married one day, so I didn't mind giving it all away. I cooked, cleaned, always looked attractive for him. I was his biggest cheerleader, as well as his little freak. I tried to be the "perfect" woman. I was not going to give him any reason to seek anything from another woman.
Despite me being his "every woman", he still did his thing on the side and our relationship became unhealthy and unstable. We would break up to make up. From losing weight to my hair shedding, I could not "function" without him.
Queens, your King should be an added value to your life, not the completion of it. This "void" and feeling of loneliness that I felt was not love; it was an unhealthy attachment. Don't be afraid to rule on your throne alone for a period of time. Your purpose goes beyond having a King.
A common mistake I notice most women make is that we stop loving ourselves when we start loving a man. I poured all of my love into him and none into myself. I wanted that relationship to work out so bad to the point that I disregarded my standards, esteem, and value. Nothing mattered as long as I had him--so I kept going back to him.
Every time I made up with my ex, I thought he was changed. He would act right for a period of time, but in the end he always reverted back to his previous behavior.
Reality check: There comes a point in time where you must accept a man for who he really is. When he shows you his true colors believe him. I wish I could tell my younger self that no matter how much I tried to be "Miss Perfect Patty", he was still going to do what he wanted to do. Why? Because his actions were a reflection of who he really was and there was nothing that I could do to change him. Too often, when a man mistreats us, we run off trying to fix ourselves as if we are the root of the problem. Don't blame yourself for his insecurities and immaturity.
At this point I faced two options: 1. Stay in the relationship by loving and accepting his flaws and mistreatment 2. Love myself more by leaving the relationship and moving on
I made the latter of the two options because I refused to stay in an expired relationship that gave me more pain than joy.
So how in the HELL did I move on?!
1. I faced my emotions and took time to heal. I had to realize that it was okay for me to be sad. It's okay to cry sometimes. It's okay for me to love him at a distance. I had to let go of the guilt in me for leaving my ex-boyfriend for good and not taking him back when he came back around. I had to tell myself that not being in a relationship with him didn't make me this heartless, cold person. It certainly did not mean that I didn't love him; it just showed that I love myself more. I had to accept that it was okay for me to choose me. Queens, take time to sort through your emotions. By no means sit in the house for consecutive weeks crying, but please take time to heal. Don't try to start a new chapter before turning the page. That pain and hurt will only roll over into the next relationship, and then you will really be a mess.
2. I had to surrender my will to God's will and stick with it. I had to accept that this relationship was not God's best and that He had someone better for me. I was attached to a man who only meant to serve a seasonal purpose, not a lifetime one. It was hard for me to accept this because I was in a constant control battle with God. My prayers consisted of me telling God what I wanted instead of asking Him what he wanted from me. In order to get something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. Some of you may have been dealing with the same mess, lies, excuses, heart break OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...and you're still there. How much more heartache do you need until you're willing to surrender your plans to God? Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results. Don't be insanely in love, Queen.
Some of you may be thinking, "I'm not insane. I have let him go and tried to move on. But somehow, someway, we always found our way back to each other." Stop trying to manipulate God's will into your own. I used to believe "If you love something let it go, if it comes back then it's meant." Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize this way of thinking isn't always true. That way of thinking can be compared to me saying "If it's meant for me to wear a bikini, I won't gain 5 pounds." I had to understand that God gives us free will. Just like I have a choice to choose between a salad and burger, I had a choice to get back with my ex. Don't become a victim into Satan's trap.
3. Last but not least, I had to see my worth as a Queen. What you're willing to accept from others is a reflection of how you view yourself. Based on the treatment I used to allow, I viewed myself as a peasant, not a Queen. Proverbs 31:10 says "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies." Queens, we are more precious than rubies! Yet, we settle for the treatment of a cubic zirconia. Everyday, I went in my mirror and talked to myself. I told myself that I was beautiful, intelligent, and a child of the most High. I would pick out features that I loved about myself, write them down, and paste them on my mirror. Each day, I posted new characteristics about myself that made me a wonderful person and would read them out loud to myself. After a while, I began to believe everything I was saying.
Proverbs 18:21 says "The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences." Some of you have been speaking death and negativity over your life--"I'll never find anyone better than him. No one is going to want me. I have no other options; he's the only one. I will never find love again." I am very guilty of putting men that I like on pedestals. When it doesn't work out, I think it's the end of the world. That's no one but the devil who wants you to believe that because even he knows God has a marvelous King in store for you. However, the devil knows if he can stop your mind from believing, then it's much easier for him to block you from achieving. Stop limiting God with your own thinking. He can do ALL things.
Queens, from here on out, I want you to speak positivity, life, and excellence over yourself. Go into that mirror and speak your blessings into existence. No more moping around because the guy at the club won't give you any attention. No more wearing those 5 year old, raggedy sweatpants because you feel as if you have no one to dress up for. No more stalking his social media because you want to know who he is currently talking to or what he is doing. Start doing things for YOU. Take pride in yourself. Love yourself in a way that no man would even dare to disrespect you.
When I finally let go of my toxic relationship, I began to flourish. I became a member of my sorority so I was able to get out and involved on my campus like never before. I did things I always dreamed of like competing in a beauty pageant--and I won! I interned at a fortune 150 company. Eventually I did return to the dating scene and saw that it was actually men out in the world who would not constantly disrespect me. When I left him, I saw that there was so much more to life than what I was holding on to. Don't let you or that peasant be the reason why you're not flourishing to your fullest ability in 2015.
If you loved this post, check out the sequel, "The New Side Chick Part III: Why I Can't Trust Good Men".
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