Are you easily controlled by sex or are you easily in control of sex? Every day I see a growing amount of men and women becoming controlled by sex or “sexmatized”--the state of letting sex or the idea of having it control your life through your decisions, emotions & standards. Most people have been sexmatized at least once in their life. Below are some common, but not all, sexmatized symptoms:
1. If you've stayed in an expired or loveless relationship/situationship just because "the sex was good" or you're sexually attached to that man. Common Thoughts: "I can't leave him, the sex is way too good. I'm not going to let that go for another woman to enjoy!" or "I lost my virginity to him, I'm attached and can't leave him."
2. A lot of women think they can change who a man is or what his intentions are by having sex with him. They subconsciously try to prove their worth and value to him through sex. If you've ever used sex as a way to prove or show that you're worthy of monogamy, a date, phone call, respect, love, relationship, or just anything period--you've been sexmatized. Common Thoughts: "I'm going to put it on him so good, he's not going to want anyone else but me.” “Dang, why isn’t he pursuing me? I bet if I do this *insert sexual act/trick*, he’s going to be all in my face!” or even "I want him to be my boyfriend, I should probably have sex we him then."
3. If you ever compromised your standards or worth for sex. Common Thoughts: "I usually don't sleep with men that I'm not in a relationship with, but I'll make him an exception for him; plus we said we made an agreement that we could only sleep with each other." "I usually don't do this, but *inserts exception you made for a guy*. The exception could be sex on first date, sex without a relationship, sex before marriage, one night stand, etc.
4. If you ever had sex with a "random" purely because you needed "some". That random could be a stranger, an ex, or a guy you're really not interested in--you just want to use his male tool as an object to fulfill your physical needs. Common Thoughts: "Wow! It's been 4 months, I can’t function like this. I need to get some immediately." So you call up the "random" and arrange the booty call. And if that "random" is an ex or old sex buddy, you try to justify for actions by thinking, "Well technically I’m not increasing my number, so what I'm doing isn't THAT bad.” FYI: You may not be increasing your "number", but you're increasing and strengthening the bond of an unhealthy soul tie.
A Queen has complete control over her mind, body, and emotions. She doesn't let lust and sexual urges dictate her actions or standards. She can never be sexmatized because she has self-control. She knows her worth lies in between her head, not her legs. She will never compromise her standards to please a peasant who really has no intentions of becoming her King.
I am in no position to judge or throw stones. No one is perfect, and most of us have been sexmatized at least once, including myself. But once you understand the POWER of sex, you wouldn't just have it with anyone. I don't care how "unemotional" and "unbothered" you think you are. Soul ties are real, just like STDs and pregnancies. You create a chemical and spiritual bond with every person you have sex with, and you risk in taking their DNA & diseases.
I have been abstaining from sex for the past 2 1/2 years. If I can be completely honest with you, when my last relationship ended, nowhere in my mind did I desire or think that I'll be entering the "Sahara Desert". I thought I would get into another relationship soon, fall in love, have all the sex I want, and live happily ever after. My standard was: I must be in an official relationship with a man before I have sex with him. Then I found myself occasionally getting sexmatized because I began basing my desire to get in a relationship to purely have sex and 'consistent D'. One day I thought: “Since when do I let sex be the reasoning for my desires? If I want just sex, I can easily call someone in my phone for that." I realized I wanted more than that. I didn’t just want to have sex, give my all to another guy, and experience another break up--I had to raise my standards. I wanted more than a title: love, commitment, friendship, honesty, loyalty, and so forth.
Think of all the men you've been with sexually who turned out to be peasants, douche bags, a-holes, randoms, "wasted numbers", etc. Imagine how much less complicated it would've been to let go and move on had you not given your body to them. Imagine if you held out longer, waited for that mask to fall off, and saw his true colors and intentions before giving him your body. How much time, emotion, and energy would you have saved? Some may be thinking, "KING, this doesn't apply to me. I'm like a dude--I don't get attached when I have sex. I can leave you like it's nothing." I do not believe a woman can have unemotional sex unless she absolutely has NO TYPE of connection, desire, or attraction to that man. And if that's the case, why are you giving your body to someone you aren't attracted to and dislike? Are you that desperate for some "action", attention, or affection? #Sexmatized
You may be wondering if I've experienced men who stopped pursuing me once they realized that I wasn't going to easily give in to sex? Yes, a few peasants here and there. But for the most part I've had more men who respected and even complimented me for upholding my standards in "standardless society". Ladies, you don't have to have sex to get a man. And understand that having sex with him will not keep him from doing WHATEVER and WHOEVER he pleases.
I felt compelled to write this post because I feel like every woman should know that she is worth waiting for, and the right King for her will recognize that. Don't lower your standards because you'd rather feel accepted than rejected by the man you like. Remember: man's rejection is God's protection. If that man truly desires you for the right reasons, he will happily respect whatever your standards are because he respects you as a Queen.
I wish women would realize that we hold so much power in relationships--we set the bar in how men treat us. Ever wonder how a guy can treat one woman like trash, and then get with another woman and treat her like treasure? I'll tell you one of the differences: the woman who got treated like treasure wasn't sexmatized. She didn't compromise her worth or standards, and she didn't have a problem walking away from anyone who couldn't respect them. She didn't easily give in to his sexual pursuits because she didn't have "any" in 3 months. She didn't audition for his time and attention in his bedroom. She commanded respect before sex and made him work for her love. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? If he sees he can get your all without giving you anything, why should he give you more? If you want a King, carry yourself like a Queen and uphold the standards of one.
Ladies, start letting the man WORK for you. Let him court you--not buy you. Some of you are too quick to open your legs because a man opened his wallet. If all it takes is some fancy dinners, gifts, and trips--you are cheap. Courting requires more than money--it requires time, energy, and mental effort. Let him take you out, spend quality time with you, and get to know your mind before body. This is not being thirsty, this is being chivalrous. Recognize when a real man has real and pure intentions with you versus him putting on a front to cover his ulterior motives. Stop ignoring his phone calls because you're stressing over a peasant who can't even respond to your text.
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different." How are you being different Queen? I'm not talking about being different by telling a guy you have a "90-day, no sex rule". FYI: That rule is no longer effective. Men have caught on, and it’s easy for a man to keep his “Prince Charming” mask on for an extended period time just to get what he wants. I want to know what makes your mind, heart, and lifestyle different from the rest? There's plenty of women in this world who lack morals, values, and standards. There's plenty of women who pose naked on Instagram for likes and comments. There's plenty of women will open their legs for a check or Valentine's day chocolates. There's plenty of women who are willing to be the friend with benefits. There's plenty of women who go to church and post bible scriptures but aren't striving to be a virtuous woman of God. There's plenty of women who are sexmatized because they lack discipline and self-control. However, there's a deficit of queens--beautiful and confident women who know who God says they are and what they are worth. My question to you is: how will you stand out and crown yourself Queen?