I've spent my entire life under the assumption that one day I'll meet my King and become his Queen. I've spent all of my relationships putting forth endless effort--gluing broken pieces just to still have an ornament of love. I've spent my season of singleness trying to be a "virtuous" woman--remaining God-fearing, abstaining from sex for 4+ years, encouraging/uplifting others, loving without limits, being moral, etc. Then it finally hit me, "I'm doing all of this and I still may never find my life partner to share mutual love, romance, commitment and companionship. Is it even worth abstaining from sex in hopes of sharing a special moment with a man that may not exist? Does being the good girl really pay off?" To this very day, these type of questions haunt me. My last serious committed relationship ended 4 years ago. Never in a million years I thought I would remain a single woman for the next 4+ years, or not find someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. After all, I've always been considered a great catch--the good ones don't get left behind right? While I was in deep thought I asked myself, "What happens if you don't find your life partner in another 4 years, and then 4 more years after that, and so forth? How does life look for you? Will you hit rock bottom and act erratically because your prayers have remained unanswered? Will you settle for some man that you don't truly love for the sake of companionship? Will you let your self-confidence diminish and believe you're not enough?"
Sadly, I couldn't answer how life will look for me as an older unmarried woman. For so long I've been engrained in the toxic expectations society created for women. Grow up. Look beautiful. Get an education, and if you're lucky you might meet somebody special. Don't even think about owning and exploring your sexuality, but be patient while the man sows his wild oats. Enjoy your life, but not TOO much--remember you still need to be somebody's wife/mother one day & no one wants the woman with a past. And before you get "too old" (as if the beauty and value of women decrease with age) get married & have some kids. Don't forget to flawlessly balance taking care of everyone else except yourself. The End. #LifeGoals
I'm currently in my early, almost mid-twenties. While I'm not looking to marry anytime soon, I still have a desire to build meaningful relationships and date with a purpose. Anytime I'm faced with a dating disappointment, I hear the same lines, "Don't worry, you're still young. You have plenty of time. You'll meet the one sooner than you think." More dating disappointments have passed by with time. Now you're in your late 20s approaching the dreaded 30, and you are wondering where the hell is this mystery man that everyone claims you'll meet. People may ask you "Are you asking for too much? Maybe you should lower your standards just so you can get someone." More time and dating disappointments pass by. Perhaps you foolishly took the advice to lower your realistic standards, and you found yourself unhappy with someone who is unequally yolked. As you enter your 30s, you might become an anxious woman obsessed with your biological clock. Then society has the nerve to label you as desperate after they've poisoned you your entire life with the idea that committing and submitting to one man should be your life goal.
I am a strong and independent woman, but even I became a victim of society's expectations. I know the kind of life I want to create with a partner. I can describe my wedding, the number of kids I want, the lifestyle I hope to build with him. But if you were to say "KING, what does life look like for you at 35yrs old, unmarried and no children?" I would look at you like a deer caught in headlights! It sounds so impossible. Then again, if you asked me 4 years ago if I would be single today, I would've laughed and said: "that's impossible; I'm a good woman". I'm learning that the impossible is not impossible. God doesn't operate on our timing. There's plenty of amazing women who are 35+ and not married. While many of them are probably intentionally single & don't have the desire to marry, there's still some who are single because they haven't found the right life partner (and I commend them on not settling with a loser). I've failed to ponder what kind of life I want to build and create as a single woman without a life partner until now.
As I look around me, I see a plethora of speakers and platforms centered around the single woman becoming a wife. While I'm still an avid believer of love, healthy relationships and dating (and I will still write on these topics when I feel compelled), I realize sometimes focusing on just these types of messages can subconsciously feed into society's reoccurring theme of pressuring & prioritizing marriage for women. I don't see organizations telling men to abstain from sex until marriage, act like XYZ123 so you can gain a wife, etc. That's because we teach boys how to live for themselves and be unapologetic about their independence. When they become men, they are more content with their relationship status and not so caught up in the butterflies, fancy lovey-dovey dream. Yes, men want love and marriage too, but society doesn't put nearly as much pressure and prioritization on it. We make marriage an option for men, but a requirement for women. Just like tomorrow isn't promised, a mutual romantic love isn't either.
Queens, I challenge you to take your mind off that relationship you desire and ask yourself, how does life look for me as a single woman? I want women to know that "happily ever after" doesn't begin with the white picket fence dream and it certainly doesn't end with a lifetime of singleness. Your happily ever starts now--and nothing can sabotage it without your consent. Ask yourself: What happens if I never meet 'The One' (or if my relationship suddenly ends)? What does true love look like to me without romance or a partner? What life goals and dreams do I want to accomplish that's independent of a spouse? Everyday, how do I want to spend my life? Will I waste time searching for love or go out and be that love to the people around me? Wait for a man to be my financial savior or build my own damn empire of wealth? Wait for someone I can dress up for, or dress like I am a reigning Queen on my throne? What does sex mean to me and who do I believe I should share it with?
I can't answer these questions for you nor will I ever pass judgment. However, as for me, if I never meet "The One" I realize that my life will still go on. Happiness is still attainable. True love can still be given and received. Most importantly, my purpose shall be fulfilled. I don't have to be a mother to help raise a child. I don't have to be a wife to have intimacy & companionship. And I don't need to be with "The One" to enjoy my sexuality.
These material things, titles, and people are fine and dandy--but none of it will ever sustain me like God. I don't doubt God can bring me to meet my life partner. That may be in my future. However, I've decided to live a life of love and happiness without the expectation of ever receiving one.
When I began telling my friends that I've made peace about not ever finding "The One", they immediately tried to comfort me (as if I said something tragic lol). I stopped them and said "No. I realize not finding "The One" isn't a good or bad thing. I'm learning there's so much more to life and that I can achieve true happiness and love without a life partner."
"Before I am anyone else's, I have to be mine. (Emilia Orland)".
Queens, you owe it to yourself to unapologetically own, love and embrace EVERY bit of yourself in EVERY season of your life. You are the best thing that's ever happened to YOU! Don't let society tell you otherwise!