"NO" is one of the most powerful, yet underused words in the dictionary. Perhaps you were once like me, a "yes woman". You go out your way to make others happy; you're overly accommodating. Sometimes you find yourself biting off more than you can chew. You try to please everyone, even at the risk of inconveniencing yourself. You prove your loyalty and support by always being there and saying "yes". You rarely say NO and the few times you say it, it would always be followed by the word "but". "No, BUT...*insert another way to overextend yourself*."
I don't know about you, but it seemed like the more I said "yes", the more I was taken for granted. I turned into a doormat. I felt powerless and unappreciated. I went from being the priority to the option. I was served grade A shit on a silver platter and expected to eat it (unfortunately, some days I did). And like a dusty pair of flared jeans from '07, I was just hanging in the closet waiting for him to put me on. Eventually I grew courage and developed the strength to say NO--sometimes HELL NO if I was really fed up. Then something magical happened: I was able to reclaim my power.
"Can I come over and kick it?" No. (if he's new)
"*Yawns* I don't want to drive. Can I spend the night?" No.
"I'm not trying to be tied down and serious with anyone. But can I still take up your time?" Haha. NO!
"I was just in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." You thought wrong. No.
"Can we go dutch on this dinner tab?" Lmfao. Nope!
"Do you have games on your phone?" Ummm. NO!
"A bond is better than a title." Ha! Tell that to the judge! #No
"What you cooking for us tonight?" Air.
"Dang, well can I just put the tip in?" No.
"Can you pick my son up?" Hell NO!
*Texts you at the last minute* "Can we reschedule?" No, not available.
"Can you accept my lies, bs, games and still treat me like a King?" HELL TO THE NO NO NO!
Queens, when you say NO you send a powerful message in letting a man know you have limits, standards and boundaries--and he is no exception to the rule. What you accept is what you're worth. You're letting him know you will not be treated like those dusty pair of jeans in the back of his closet, waiting around for him & getting worn at his convenience. You will not wait for him to realize your worth and how you should be treated; you will keep it moving before you let him waste your time. Saying NO to a man is not about manipulation or mind games. It's about showing respect for yourself and commanding it from him.
Perhaps you're thinking, "KING, I tell him these men no from time to time. I don't let them treat me like crap. I stick up for myself." Well that's great you can talk the talk, but does your walk align with your talk? Men dread nagging. When you try to have those long, emotional talks all they hear is "Blah blah blah blah blah blah. I have this woman wrapped around my finger. Blah blah blah. Look at her getting all worked up, she isn't going anywhere. Blah blah blah. Gee, I'm hungry. I wonder if "so and so" cooked? Blah blah blah. Dang she's STILL talking about this?! Blah blah blah." But when you say less and do more, you begin to capture his attention and speak his language.
When I think about my old relationships and situationships, my kindness, availability, loyalty, and "yeses" were taken for granted. But until I left their asses and showed "NO! I will not accept this kind of treatment", I gained a new level of respect. NOW all of a sudden they treat me like I'm "Queen of Sheba" & my presence is a gift. Why? Because my actions have shown that I have limits, standards and boundaries--and they are no exception to the rule. As for the new guys I dated, I was a breath of fresh air. It's so many women saying "yes" to any and everything; I became special when I showed that anything and everything doesn't fly with me.
Queens, most men want what they can't have and you can't let them have you until they proved themselves trustworthy of your time, mind, and body. Make him invest himself into you before you give yourself away. He won't be so quick to run away because now he's invested and would have something to lose. Think I'm lying? Every man has some prized possession. It could be his car, watch, house, championship ring, sneakers, etc. Pay attention to how he treats it. He can be the dirtiest man in the world, but I bet you he would make sure that prized possession is spotless and always at its best. He treats it with care and delicacy. Why? Because 9 times out of 10, it was earned not given. Do you want to be valued as the woman who was earned or the woman who gave herself away? Saying "yes" all the damn time will have you ending up in a garbage bag (with the other dusty pair of jeans) headed to the nearest Salvation Army or Goodwill.
Take a step back for a moment Queens and ask yourself: are you initiating all of the conversations and dates? Does he cancel last minute and you eagerly reschedule? Are you running a marathon for someone who won't even sprint a lap for you? Are you the friend that cancels girls night because "bae" suddenly wants to do something at the last minute? Do you pause making plans for yourself because you're secretly waiting to see if "bae" will have something planned? Do you stay up all night waiting by phone hoping he would call or every time your phone lights up you eagerly hope it's him, only to get let down? Do you say yes to any and everything out of guilt or fear? Are you acting like his wife and getting treated like his side chick? Do you get excited over effortless things just because you're used to him doing nothing at all?
NEWSFLASH: If you're doing any of the above, you're not coming off as a loyal, "ride or die", committed, wifey-type woman. You're coming off as a desperate, weak, low self-esteem having dingbat. Tired of getting treated like the dingbat? Then start saying NO!
There's something powerful and sexy about a woman who isn't afraid to walk alone. There's something powerful about declining a date every one and a while because you have to work on your business or go to your weekly yoga class. There's power in having a life of your own and not revolving it around "bae's" schedule. There's power in turning down a man's sexual favors because he has not proved himself worthy of the goods. There's power in being unavailable from time to time. There's power in having control over your emotions. There's power in beating to the rhythm of your own drum. There's power in having standards, and it's even more powerful when you enforce them.
Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with saying "yes" to bae and spoiling him. In fact if you have a good man who treats you like a Queen, you better show your appreciation or another one will (I'll save that topic for a another post though)! However, every man you date isn't worthy of this type of treatment. The problem we make as women is we give out gold medals to men before they run the race.
I felt the need to write this post because I'm tired of women saying "yes" to bullshit and dysfunction. I'm tired of seeing women allow men to have power over their emotions, schedules, bodies, etc. I'm tired of women thinking it's acceptable to be treated like the dusty pair of jeans in the back of the closet.
Queen, unapologetically take back your crown.
Be strong. Be bold. Be powerful. #JustSayNO
BEFORE YOU GO:
- This Wednesday, Aug 17th at 9p.m. EST I will be doing my first Q&A on Facebook Live. I will be going live from my official page, Miss T.N. King. Please like & follow me if you haven't already. You can send questions in advance to firstname.lastname@example.org. Or feel free to comment during the live segment with any questions or comments--I will be responding during the segment. Grab your wine glasses! Let's make it a conversation!! :-)
- WORDPRESS SUBSCRIBERS: If you're subscribed to my blog via wordpress please switch & become an email subscriber. There should be a "Subscribe Now" button on your right hand side of the screen if you're on desktop. If you're on a mobile phone, scroll down at the end of the post. You'll see "Subscribe to Blog Via Email" toward the bottom of the page. I will no longer be using Wordpress for my blog and you will no longer receive notifications about my latest post unless you are an email subscriber. Please switch to email subscription ASAP.